These past few weeks we’ve been in 1 Peter at Missio Dei Church and we’ve covered some pretty sensitive topics when it comes to our roles as men and women of God. We found ourselves in 1 Peter 3:3-6:
3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. 5 For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.
We did a good bit of work in the sermon itself which you can listen to here if you’d like to catch up on the context. We also have a link to the sermon notes you can access here. We ended with an Interview with Rebecca Gruber to give us some practical points on Biblical Modesty. As a method of deeper connection, we thought It’d be a great resource to have a written Q&A to reference as an additional resource. Bonus Content- we are having Patricia Gruber jump in on the action as well.
Rebecca Gruber is a wife, mother of a daughter (and two sons) and a woman. Patricia Gruber is a wife, mother of two sons, and a grandmother. Both women are so much more than these things, but these things offer some clear qualifiers on how they interact with this topic. Also, as previously stated and probably obvious from the qualifications, they are women. Most importantly they are women who love and serve Jesus with their lives. So here is our discussion:
Question: For some context, how did you interact with the concept of modesty growing up? How was it taught and how did you live out your understanding of it?
Becca: I think the first thoughts regarding "modesty" came when i started at Christian school in 7th grade. There was a strict dress code of long skirts, no shorts or pants. I kept pretty much to it pretty easily, but got in trouble a few times for too short or too tight clothing. But in typical teenage form, thought they were being ridiculous. I had an underlying desire to impress boys for sure, knowing early on that the way I dressed caught attention in certain ways. I remember sneaking clothes out of my older sisters closets. My senior year of high school into my years of college, I believe is when I really started to take my faith and character seriously. I think I started seeing the difference of being set apart from the crowd, and started serving in youth group. I believe then, I started taking ownership for myself and my actions, and just didn't follow the crowd. Modesty became less about rule following and more about being a good Christian girl and setting a good example for the youth group kids i was serving. I still didn't get it right all the time though.
Pat: Growing up, modesty wasn't much of an issue for me. I just didn't think about it. I lost some weight when I was a junior in high school. I can remember some of the clothes I wore were fairly immodest but not consciously. Then came the first really legalistic church I went to as a young mom in my mid twenties. I worked out like a fiend and, was fairly fit. My sister and I shared wardrobes and wanted to be super stylish. At the time this meant short shirts and leggings. I was taken aside by the pastor and asked not to wear leggings. I was teaching K through 2nd grades in AWANA. I was very offended. I felt like it was the man's responsibility to control his thoughts. My body was covered in my opinion. I was fit and I wanted to look good. The envious stares made me feel good about myself. I never thought about what God might have thought. I think some of my outfits were chosen out of rebellion against the legalism.
Question: With some life behind you, and having physically and spiritually matured, how has your idea of modesty changed? What is modesty to you now?
Becca: Surprisingly, I think I'm still trying to figure this whole thing out. I know modesty isn't about a dress code and it isn't about what others think of me. I am a mom of 3, and struggle with how my body has changed after children and life has taken over, and I'm not really looking to get people's attention the way I did in high school. My focus has shifted to now having a daughter that I not only need to be an example to, but also to teach her what God thinks of her and how she carries herself. It's tough raising kids to get them to understand there are rules, but that there is rationale behind those rules. It's so easy to slip into the mindset that we need to dress a certain way in order to be modest, so easy to check the box and fall back into my legalistic ways. But God calls us to be holy and set apart, that starts in our heart and desire to please him, and when we do that, the outward appearance will follow.
Pat: My understanding of modesty changed first when Becca started dating Justin. They had been dating for a short time when I realized that Becks never drew attention to her body by the way she dressed. She was always beautiful but never overtly sexy. I remember actually offering her some of my clothes to wear out with Justin and she would put them on and they did not fit her the way they fit me. But even when pressured she wouldn't wear them or would wear something over them. It really impacted me because this young woman was dating my son. It dawned on me that I didn't want him tempted to think wrongly about her. I wanted him to honor her. The way she dressed showed she respected her body. From that point a light started to be turned on for me. At that time, I was clinically depressed for over a year. It was a turning point in my whole life. My heart was changed and my love for God became more love than duty. I was freed from the legalistic teachings I had known but I found myself wanting to be more modest as a result. I started taking cues from the way Becks chose to dress. With a second son growing up and dating I was definitely growing in love toward Jesus and away from myself. It's a long process. I'm still in it. But I turned my desire to be stylish into a challenge to be stylish but modest. I cringe inwardly when I think of how I used to dress and am ashamed.
Question: When we think of modesty, it often is thought of as outward appearance. Is this thinking correct and is biblical modesty the same thing?
Becca: When you look at context of these passage in 1 Peter, it talks about adorning the outside vs adorning the hidden person of the heart. It's so easy to get caught up in necklines and hemlines, when really all Jesus wants is our heart to be towards Him. I personally struggle with still thinking that since I've covered up all areas, then that is what is pleasing to God, when really God wants my heart, not my weak attempts at good works.
Pat: I thought it was. But I learned that to actually dress modestly without being legalistic requires alot of work from the heart. When 1 Peter talks about it being the hidden person of the heart and a quiet and gentle spirit, I didn't think that fit me at all. I'm still not sure it fits me. It's so much more than how I dress. It's how I act and talk. It's what I make important in my life and how I communicate it. Clothes are definitely a form of communication.
Question: When thinking through physical appearance, what is a Christian to use as a guideline? (Is there an actual dress code or something?)
Becca: I've had hard time thinking through this the past few days. I understand the concept of working on my heart first, but I find comfort in rules and guidelines. I think we can look at other scripture passages of loving each other well to figure out what works. I certainly wasn't loving the administration of my strict Christian school by pushing the limits, or loving my boyfriend by being a distraction to draw attention or make him feel a certain way. My body shape isn't the way I would like, and sometimes I wonder if I would dress differently if it was, but I think regardless of insecurities, if I'm pursuing Jesus, then I wouldn't be comfortable in something that doesn't ultimately work towards His glory in me and others.
Pat: Hahaha…. No. No dress code. It's like everything else when you follow Jesus. It comes from the heart. It's a heart project. Modestly transcends age and body type because it does come from the heart. Thinking through why am I wearing this? Do I just want attention? Does this reflect the value God places on me as His daughter? But you know, the weird thing is after awhile you don't have to think about it as much because those choices aren't even "in the closet". But modesty still involves things like: Am I too sloppy? Am I caring for my body in proper ways? Am I honoring my body? Am I trying to look like I'm younger than I am?
Question: As two mothers, what is so important about teaching Biblical Modesty and how can the church do it well?
Becca: i don't know. I'll let you know how it works out in 20 years. 🤣 i definitely think I'm heavy on the rules right now in our house. This conversation and topic has really got me thinking of how we've got to always be teaching and showing our daughter how much her heart matters, her faith, and her worship of God and not herself or some ideal. I think our church and community can do it well by praying for us, cuz parenting ain’t easy! But for real, I think by us all reinforcing the pursuit of holiness, it will be evident in our kid’s lives as well. We also have two sons. I want my life and how I carry myself to be a good example of what they look for in friends and girl friends. We want to teach then where to look and that women are to be valued and honored as fellow image bearers.
Pat: I think of it mostly regarding my grandaughters and the sisters in the family of Missio Dei. I want them to know the joy of loving Jesus and living the full call of being a woman that follows Him. I want them to be modest because they understand that God values them and their bodies have a real purpose. I want them to be so grounded in that that they don't need to feed on the attention of being sexy or flashy. I want them to be loving Jesus so much that all they are thinking about is serving Him and loving others. Both in how they dress and act. There is so much freedom and joy to be found in living like that.
Question: From your perspective, how can God’s men interact with biblical modesty? Is this an important topic for them to understand?
Becca: I think when you look at Scripture as a whole, we're all in the same boat. We are a sinful mess and we need a Savior, Jesus. Men need to engage in this as brothers in Christ and dads or uncles or friends to us girls. But, like any sin struggle, we need to try to engage each other's hearts and point each other to Jesus before we fix the outer issues. I think guys are on a tough spot on this culture when dealing with how a woman dresses. But that's why being in community is so important. We're not alone in this.
Pat: I think it's very important. Men should want modesty for the women in their lives, especially their church family. It should be encouraged and praised. In a group, men can appropriately express their thanks for women that cause Jesus to be seen in their lives even through the way they dress. It doesn't have to be some creepy thing. Men can be aware they communicate what they value about women by remarks they make. Also husbands should encourage it in their wives and we should want to receive that from our husbands. Not in a way that a husband would make his wife feel embarrassed or ashamed by what she's wearing. But wives, please, invite your husbands into discussions of modesty. We all need to remember who we are, our identity in Christ. My body is not mine, it's been bought with a price and I'm to glorify God with my body. It's not for anyone to "catch a peak" of something private. It's not to be shown off cheaply. I'm to be a crown to my husband and glorify my Savior whether I have a husband or not. One of the sad things I think of sometimes is a man I knew who used to love it when his wife dressed very sexy. It made him feel envied by other men. I feel sad for a man who is willingly to put his beloved on display in that way. As I explained in the beginning I shouldn't want that kind of attention for my own gratification if I didn't have a husband. We want the men in our community to honor women in a respectful and caring ways. We should want to receive that honor and reflect it by our actions and our words and our clothes.
In Closing
Thank you for taking the time to read some personal testimonies from two of our wonderful women at MD. We hope you’ve been built up and encouraged by their words. As always, you can find this sermon from 1 Peter on women at missiodeinj.com/podcast, along with a host of other great audio resources.